I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
