question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Randomize
