my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Randomize
