Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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