So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
