Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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