so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
