Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
