The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
