I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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