My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
