I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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