You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
