You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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