Who wears a wallet chain?!
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
