chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My liver just had a heart attack.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
