I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize