He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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