Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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