I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
