She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
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