Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
