Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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