when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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