i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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