Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
