I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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