so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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