I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
