Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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