I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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