i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
