I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
