I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
