Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize