why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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