yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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