He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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