oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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