when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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