i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
