Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
