I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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