y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
