____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
