They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
