i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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