WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
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