his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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