News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
3 2 1 whiskey
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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