My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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