I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I will pee on everything he values.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
