What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
