hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i believe in u and ur pee
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
