Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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